In a nationwide driving theory test conducted about half an hour ago, 42% of men passed and only 40% of women passed. Something must be done! Ban women from driving immediately! How can the government let this continue? The test must be biased against women! Clearly we need to increase the opportunities for women to pass this test!
I’m told you can take the test yourself, but the website is currently very slow.
Sarcastic articles with titles like Flashing Yellow Lights Puzzle BMW Driver are just not fair. Some BMW drivers are very good drivers.
No thanks to ThePresentOccupier for that link.
“Spray – Slow Down”, read the big illuminated warning signs above the motorway. It’s raining, and the M27 being badly surfaced as it is, is collecting enough water that every vehicle is sending up huge plumes of spray. People are slowing down, too. But they’re also driving closer together in proportion to the amount they’re slowing down. So they can’t see anything for the spray of the car in front. I’m wondering if the signs should read, “Spray – Keep Your Distance”, but what would I know?
Something truly astonishing happened on my way to work this morning. A section of road that for years has had a 30mph speed limit, despite it being well out of town and having few hazards, has had its limit raised to 40mph. The local authorities doing something sensible?!
My jubilation was short-lived. Further down the road, where once there was a national speed limit sign, there is now a 40mph repeater sign. Hmph. I suppose what annoys me about this is that I used to have great fun obeying the 30 limit, accumulating a convoy of impatient tailgaters, and then letting them eat tyre smoke as I zoomed off into the distance upon reaching the 60 limit. That fun is now over.
On the other hand, it does seem as if the changes reflect what everybody else already did; drive at 35-45 along the whole stretch. In past months I have noticed data logging equipment on the side of the road, presumably measuring everyone’s speed. If speed limits are to be set according to such measurements, this would be a Good Thing(tm).
This technique was admirably demonstrated by Mr Red Golf Man on the M27 today. It was just past 6pm and still quite busy, so all three lanes were in use. I’m in lane 3 passing some cars passing a lorry when Mr Red Golf Man pulls up behind me, getting a bit too close for comfort. I would go faster but there’s a car in front so I can’t. I sit there.
I’m coming up to my turn-off, so I’m thinking of making my way over to lane 1, looking for gaps in lane 2. As I reach such a gap, I signal left, check my blind spot, and start to move over. But what’s this – Mr Red Golf Man is trying to pass me on the inside. I’m half way through changing lanes and he’s still coming towards me. Somehow we miss each other and now we’re both in lane 2, and he’s right up my exhaust pipe. I flash my brake lights at him to ask him to drop back a bit, and all he does is flash his headlights at me.
I start signalling left as there is a gap approaching that will let me into lane 1 just before my turn-off. I wait until I’m about three car lengths into the gap before pulling into it. But what’s this? Mr Red Golf Man is passing me on the inside again! While I’m signalling left! Again! I honk and shake my fist at him, but he sails past, and turns off. I just manage to make the turn-off myself.
So I have two peices of advice for Mr Red Golf Man: 1) Don’t tailgate people, especially in busy traffic. 2) Don’t pass people on the inside, especially when they’re signalling left. They get nervous about it.
And now for some self-indulgent, self-opinionated drivel of the kind Ralph and Nick hate.
Plenty of people drive like pussies. Here is my handy guide to how to join them:
Suggestions for other examples of pussy-ish driving behaviour welcome.
There are various types of pootler, but they all exhibit one defining behaviour: going slower than the speed limit for no good reason.
Let’s say you’re driving along a long, straight, narrow, empty road in good weather. Let’s say that the speed limit is 40mph. What exactly has to be going on in your head for you to decide to drive at 35? The only answer I can come up with is: not a lot. You’re either not aware how fast, or rather slow, you’re going, or you’re not aware of the speed limit. You presumably aren’t aware of the tailback of cars forming behind you, either.
There are two main problems I have with pootlers. The first is this lack of awareness they exhibit – it doesn’t bode well for their likely reaction to something unexpected happening up ahead. The second is their complete lack of consideration. What is it that makes you think it’s okay to waste precious seconds of my life? And how come a lot of pootlers are old people, who you would think would be in a hurry considering they’re likely to die soon?
One of the most annoying kinds of pootler that I encounter almost every day on a particular stretch of road on my way to work, is the kind that drives at 40mph on a national speed limit single carriageway. Here’s some useful information: When you see that white circle with a thick black line through it, it means the limit is 60, unless you’re on a dual carriageway which makes the limit 70. This is basic highway code stuff. The worst thing is that these people are often the same ones who tailgate me on the preceding stretch of 30 zone – as evidenced by the way they disappear into the distance behind me when I accelerate.
The least annoying pootlers are the ones who drive at less than 70mph on the motorway. At least they don’t get in the way – not until you’re trying to turn off, anyway. But I really can’t fathom these people. What do they think they’re achieving by driving slower than everyone else? Are they afraid of going faster? Here’s a clue: It’s not any safer to go more slowly if you’re three feet from the truck in front!
Let’s get one thing straight. Driving slowly and driving carefully are not the same thing. Driving carefully involves looking where you’re going and paying attention to what you’re doing. You need to be aware. If you’re too nervous to understand what’s going on around you while maintaining a decent speed, you should question whether you’re fit to be on the road at all.
The motorway junction roundabout next to where I work is the kind with multiple sets of lights and a three lane arrangement where the left lane leaves the roundabout at each exit and the other lanes all shuffle over to create a new lane on the right. On many mornings I encounter people who have a hard time understanding the lane markings, perhaps they haven’t quite woken up yet.
This morning was like that. I was in the rightmost lane, another car was in the middle lane, the lights went green, and I followed the lane markings into the middle lane. Or I would have if the woman on the left hadn’t decided she wanted to be on the spot of road I was on. I braked, honked, fell in behind her, wondered how someone could consider crossing dashed lane markings without signalling an acceptable way to drive, and forgot about it.
See for yourself using my badly drawn diagram. If you wanted to get to X, would you start from lane A, B or C?
Then the woman drove into the car park of the place I work. I briefly considered asking the receptionist who she was, but there were visitors in the foyer so I decided it wasn’t important. Until she phoned me up. “Are you Rob Fisher?” Yes. She explained how she didn’t mind being beeped when she was wrong, but that she had been taking that route around the roundabout for three years, so obviously it was me that tried to drive into her lane! Three years?! It’s kind of understandable if you encounter that roundabout for the first time and get it a bit wrong, but surely you would notice if you’d been hustling people out of their lane for three years? I explained that she had crossed lane markings without signalling, she suggested we both look closely at them next time, and that was that.
Anyway, although I’m referring to a specific incident, plenty of people successfully annoy me in this way. If you want to annoy me on the road, simply don’t bother to to look at the lane markings and randomly change lanes. For extra effect, change lanes several times. To make sure you get me, do it wrong every single day for years on end, it’s bound to be me you carve up eventually. Finding yourself in the wrong lane, checking there is enough space, signalling and then changing lanes in front of me will not annoy me, that’s not good enough. Being an unpredictable idiot will. Keep working at it!
Now that I’m driving to work every day, I see far more idiots on the road than I did when I only used my car for pleasure purposes like long distance drives to visit far away friends. Hence this occasional rant about how to annoy me on the road. I’m sure we’ll be up to #100 in no time.
Tonight when I drove home the motorway was almost completely empty. I had my own little bit of road all to myself. There was a car some distance behind hovering in the middle lane, but it didn’t seem to be approaching. I was doing 70 as I usually do on the short commute – no point in wearing the engine out for work.
It was clear the guy behind was unsure whether to overtake me or not. It’s often the case with these idiots that they have no idea how to modulate their speed to account for the cars around them, or even how to do anything at all but sit behind whoever’s in front and hope that they know what they’re doing. Eventually he decided to overtake, which he did slowly.
Before I knew it, he was signalling to come back in, a mere two car lengths in front of me. I thought it was a bit close, but surely soon he would pull away into the distance? Wrong. He slowed down to same speed as me. Leaving me with no option but to either overtake him back, or slow down to make the gap bigger. How thoughtless.
So if you want to annoy me on the road, tip #1 is to completely fail to respect that I might want to keep a safe following distance. That gap in front of me is not so that I have time to react if something scary happens up ahead, it’s for you to pull into. If I slow down to make the gap in front bigger, why not just overtake me and pull into it? It’s so inviting!