In a move to pick up the economy, Gordon Brown today announced a new scheme to guarantee everything. “Desperate times require desperate measures,” the PM said. “As long as people think bad things can happen, they can’t get out there and make money to pick up the economy.”
People and businesses will be able to visit new Guarantee Centres where they can get their business plans and personal finances backed by the government. “It’s wonderful,” said Julie Bevan, 34, from Kent. “We were going to have to scrimp and save this Christmas, but with this new scheme we can take out a loan and the government will guarantee to pay it back for us.” 8-year-old Timmy is equally excited: “Gordon Brown is going to buy me a new bike. He’s much better than Father Christmas!”
A government spokesman was keen to point out that the scheme does not cover just financial guarantees. “It’s really everything. In a trial in the midlands, we guaranteed everything from a senior citizen’s gall bladder operation to the timely running of the 8.15 to Birmingham New Street. We’re also working with CERN to guarantee the existence of the Higgs boson. We’re keen to help people find the guarantee that’s right for them. We can’t know about everything people need from central government, that’s why we’ve set up regional centres where people can come in and discuss their needs with a trained advisor.”
Asked whether the new guarantees might have an effect on insurance companies, the spokesman was clear. “Government is there to make promises that no private industry could keep.” And what about the cost to taxpayers? “Increasingly research is showing that happiness is more important than wealth. But with the economic downturn, people are worried about their jobs and their futures. Children in particular suffer when their parents are worried. But with this scheme, there is no longer anything to worry about!”
[...] who might think this is over the top cannot have spent much time in the UK. A government spokesman was keen to point [...]